Thoughts on the first month of Fatherhood

*First of all, thank you to everyone who has supported us with food, well wishes, prayers and all sorts of kindness that we never could have anticipated. We are so grateful. May all of your lives be blessed.

*Wow. I have been planning and preparing myself for this child for YEARS and to actually have her here with us is a dream come true. I’m so proud of Siri and Lucia and Myself for saying yes to family in such a conscious way.

*One of my first thoughts upon seeing Lucia was that she was radiantly healthy and possessed of an incredibly kind and peaceful nature. She seemed to be emanating light from her bones. It was like photos I have seen of saints. She glows. We call her glow-worm sometimes because of that. We also call her “Bug” and “Nugget.”

*I love the sounds that she makes! She sounds like a baby velociraptor sometimes and sometimes like an old man with emphysema struggling to walk up a hill She snorts and giggles and wheezes and whines and pops and clicks. She makes new sounds every day and all of them are so immediate and unselfconscious. There have been many times that Siri and I have laid next to her as she is sleeping trying not to laugh out loud at her sounds.

*Lucia is so delightful and squeeze-able! Her little naked body is the BEST and it is amazing to see her grow more strong and skillful in her embodiment every day. Being with her satisfies such a deep desire for physical intimacy and connection and I feel myself softening into my own body’s structure and support by being around her. She is a people person and so far really seems to like connecting with friends and family and being held by different people. Siri jokes that she’s on her best behavior when company is here.

*Austin Cable had told me this about his son Ezra and I didn’t believe him at the time, but its true, newborn poop smells like hot buttered popcorn. Seriously. It may just be a hormonal thing but I could huff her diapers. I love the smell of her so much. Never would have expected that.

*Siri is incredibly sexy when she is breastfeeding. I had no idea how beautiful it would be to see her feeding our daughter from her own body. Its so pure and sensual and I love her even more every time that I see it.

*I can get jealous of Siri’s ability to feed Lucia sometimes. There is a part of me that wants to be that essential to her. But Its good medicine for me to know that I am not the most immediately important person for her at this point and that I am supporting our family in less visible but very important ways. Basically its helping me get over myself

*I’m so grateful that I get to bottle feed her with breast milk frequently and get that special time. She looks right into your eyes when she is feeding and it is a powerful exchange of energy. I’ve been looking into her left eye as I feed her or when we’re playing or interacting and I can feel her soaking up the attention. Looking into her left eye is her receptive eye and it feels perfect to be giving her as much energy as she needs and wants at this time.

*BTW… She’s a Chunker! She was 9lbs 10 ozs at birth and she’s close to 14 lbs now. She’s got rolls on her rolls, like a little Michelin Buddha.

*My “Ideals” in some ways are more important than ever and simultaneously less achievable, and so I find myself humbled by a life lived in a space less than my greatest expectations and more than I had thought was my capacity. I am drawn to be more for my daughter, my wife and my self, and I am faced with my limitations of knowledge, energy, skill, etc… and I get to make a peace between them as they grow every day.

* I know that some people are not interested in babies and some are not even sure about bringing a child into a world already so populated and with an environment under stress. I can understand that. For us, our daughter grew out of our conscious love for each other. Literally, there was so much love between Siri and I that it needed to make more life to contain it. It was as natural as a plant growing or a River flowing and it would have felt un-natural to stop it or ignore it. I feel in my bones that these children that are coming into the planet now are the answer to a Prayer that is so vast it stuns me to try to conceive of it. They are made of the soil and the stars and as Kahlil Gibran said, “Their souls dwell in the place of tomorrow.” As Parents, we are stewards for this prayer’s movement into form. It is not a small undertaking or something to be stepped into lightly.

* I know that Siri and I are more resilient and capable of managing the difficulties of this period because we both consciously chose to have a baby together. We created these circumstances and so we cannot resent them or resist them in the same way we might if it had been un-planned or an “accident”. Of course on some level there are no accidents in life. We just use that belief to buffer an experience that is too much to consciously be with in the moment. Everything serves to move us along our path and to wake us up a little more to the meanings and machinations of conscious existence. I’m grateful for the way we have chosen to walk this path. I’ve become more compassionate with, and more present to, the complexity of life in its living.

*Having a baby is Real. In the way that I loved the challenge of caring for my father when he had cancer, I love caring for my daughter and my family now because life feels “more” when I am doing it. More of everything.

*Children are real. Our daughter is undeniable. It feels like there is a giant in the house. Her solidity and presence is the force that tempers and evolves us. Parenthood is a life long commitment, that at times is the most terrifying thing I have ever faced. When I’m driving with her in the car sometimes I feel like I barely deserve my license to drive, let alone the responsibility for her every need. Changing her diaper when she’s crying is like defusing a bomb and you don’t want to cut the wrong wire!! It is causing me to emerge from abstract wishful thinking and to engage with my life in a fiercer and more loving way.

*Its amazing how protective we can get also. Siri and I laugh about how much more vigilant we are walking down the streets in Oakland when we have Lucia in our arms. We’re scanning the environment for possible threats and there is this feeling of being ready to fight that is woven in with this love that we feel for her. There have been times in my life when I have not fought for myself, have not defended myself, and becoming a parent is helping me to heal that part that self-abandoned. It requires a level of tenacity that I am pleasantly surprised to find in myself and I know will keep getting tested.

*Wow again. There is a lot to say. Thanks for being a space to start. I’m off. There is a little human in bed that needs some snuggles. Good night

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